You Feel Like You’re About to Come Out of Your Body
You turn to your husband and ask questions like:
“Why?” “How could you?” “How long has this been going on?” “What else don’t I know?”
But his answers are never enough.
No matter what he says, you can’t fully believe him. Even if he gives a logical answer, it still makes you mad.
Because the problem isn’t just that you need more information.
The problem is that the person you used to turn to for safety is now the person who hurt you.
There’s No Clear Path
Many betrayed women can’t turn to family or friends either. They might not understand. Or even if they would, it feels embarrassing.
You married a sex addict. And you’re staying…or are you? You don’t even know.
You are entangled. Family. Friends. Finances. Children. Love. Hate. Hope. Rage. Fear. Confusion.
You’re trying to do the right thing, but you don’t know what the right thing is anymore.
You’ve told yourself, “If I were ever in that situation, I would leave.”
Now you are in that situation. And it’s not that easy.
Your Husband Is Both the Problem and the Solution
At first, most women keep turning toward their husband.
You try to get comfort from him. You ask more questions. You look for reassurance.
You want him to say the right thing, feel the right thing, understand the right thing. And somehow make this pain go away.
But it doesn’t work.
He was unfaithful. He lied. He broke the very safety you’re now trying to get from him.
You Don’t Know Where to Turn for Safety
So you move away. Then you move toward him again. Then away. Then toward.
Over and over again.
It feels crazy, but it’s not crazy. It makes sense.
Your nervous system is trying to find safety in the middle of something that feels emotionally impossible.
Start Where You Are
I understand that betrayal is one of the most complicated emotional issues a person can face.
There are no quick fixes. There is no magic pill that makes this go away.
In the beginning, you’re in shock. You’re withstanding the immense flood of different emotions colliding inside you all at once.
There’s no room yet for deep emotional work. There’s no room yet to analyze the marriage, make major decisions, or figure out the rest of your life.
You need to find a way to survive in the middle of everything that’s happened.
Finding Yourself Inside the Storm
We keep things simple to start.
You learn to self-soothe. You learn to breathe again.
You learn to relax your body when you can. And when you can’t relax it, you learn to sit with the tension without panicking.
You learn to pray. You learn to meditate. You learn to focus your thoughts for a few moments at a time.
The goal isn’t to force yourself to be calm.
The goal is to begin a relationship with your own body, your own mind, and your own pain – without being completely overtaken by it.
Turning Your Focus Inward
As time passes, it becomes important to talk through your experience and learn to do it more calmly.
That sounds easy. It is not.
In the beginning, your focus will naturally be on your husband. He’s the problem, right? So if he changes, then you’ll feel better.
Maybe. But we can’t count on that.
So, slowly, your focus begins to turn inward.
Not because what he did was okay. Not because you’re responsible for his behavior. Not because you should just “get over it.”
Your Healing Can’t Depend Entirely on Him
You turn inward because that’s where you can find your peace.
You learn to become emotionally independent.
You can be at peace while staying in the relationship. You can be at peace if you decide to leave the relationship.
You can be at peace while setting boundaries. You can be at peace while making difficult decisions.
But first, you have to find that peace.
The Work
Slowly but surely, we add additional pieces to the work.
Reading recovery literature. Attending recovery meetings. Connecting with other women who understand betrayal trauma. Working the 12 steps, if that fits for you.
In many cases, I believe only a Higher Power can truly get you through this.
God is the kite. The work is the string. And when you hold onto the string, you are lifted.
We’ll Go Slowly
It can be incredibly difficult to do the work when you’re already so emotionally spent.
So we move slowly. At your pace. Doing what you can handle, and then taking breaks when needed.
It’s about slowly learning to breathe again, think clearly again, and find your steadiness no matter the circumstance.
Why Work With Me
I’d never say I know exactly what it’s like to go through betrayal trauma personally, because I haven’t experienced it from your side.
But I watched my wife struggle through the pain of my own addiction for years.
So while I can’t fully know your exact experience, I’m very familiar with the chaos, confusion, anger, grief, fear, and emotional devastation that this kind of betrayal creates.
I’ve lived close to it personally. I’ve spent years helping women work through it professionally.
I’m also credentialed as a Partner Betrayal Trauma Therapist (PBTT) by the American Association of Sex Addiction Therapy.
Finding the right counselor is difficult. Honestly, sometimes you don’t really know if it’s a good fit until you sit down and try. And that’s okay.
You’re already carrying enough pressure as it is.
Text me and we can schedule a time to talk: (360) 818-4256.